If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.

Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Never memorize something that you can look up.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!